When you choose to care. When you say I’m all in.
You care about someone. They don’t care about you. You feel the pain and torment of indifference. Should you then continue to care, or should you move on? Should you choose suffering and torment, or should you choose indifference as well?
When I start to care for someone it’s deep, deeper than it should be, but it is what it is. I have a system for people that matter to me. It’s intense, but for me it cuts through the grey stuff. Are you a 0 or a 1? Are you a hell yeah or no? It’s an all or nothing system, because I’m an all or nothing guy. To the people that matter I give my everything. Nothing less. To the people that don’t matter I say goodbye.
There are many attributes a person should have to matter to me, but they are simple things like: being kind and considerate, showing that you care about me, being honest. I usually care first. It’s a risk I’m willing to take. I’m willing to put my heart out on the line, but only in the beginning, and only for so long.
0 or 1 is a question I constantly ask because sometimes people stop caring. So I should stop caring too. They stop mattering. Sometimes I remind them, I give them an opportunity to keep the 1 status, but usually they have made up their mind.
I used to get angry and upset when this happens. I don’t anymore. I don’t have the time for such pain and torment -and yes it is torment. When I give my best and it’s not good enough, then it hurts like hell. It’s not a place you want to spend a long time in.
Here’s how I get out of that torment. I start with journaling (this post started in my journal). I need to know what exactly I am feeling. I take the mess that is my pain and write it down. Unedited and unconstrained.
I re-frame why I cared in the beginning. I didn’t choose to care because I was doing the world a favor. Nor did I choose to care this deeply just to make the other person feel special. I did it for me. I did it because I wanted to. And if it stops being for me, then it must stop all together.
You may have to do this more than once, but eventually the pain will go away. You will move on and accept this fate with no anger or sadness. Not at the world or life, and not at the person. Remember this: desire cannot be deleted just overwritten.
I know that I want genuine relationships. You know, the deep stuff. The stuff that makes your existence here important to someone, and that persons existence important to you. It is a hard thing to find but we should not give up our earnest endeavors, though the bridge is unstable and the waters below vicious.